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April 10, 2008
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a moment strangulates itself
on a whim i let fall daisies
out of my mouth
chaining to become the crowns
of every I O U
the wall is the floor
my head is an ocean is a
lens cap is a migratory
formation i am jugular
i am heavy lidded i
am two minutes away from
this is a becoming this
is an undoing this is an
always was
and you are every last piece
of the puzzle found
swollen with rain so it never
fits again
And my ashes fall over all the things we said
On a box of photographs under the bed

I will stay in my own world
Under the covers
I will feel safe inside

A kiss that will burn me
And cure me of dreaming
I was always returning


My ashes - PT





[U1, I lost.]
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:iconhakumeiookami:
hakumeiookami Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2008
I feel this is incomplete. A single snapshot in a much bigger picture, perhaps with a lot of this train of thought missing. Though everything we need to understand what's going on is already here, it's but a fragment, and a malformed one at that.

The title fits in perfectly, but the poem itself is (purposefully?) difficult to read and it takes a lot of effort to put the thing together. Brilliance.

Good work.
Reply
:iconsaturnineguise:
saturnineguise Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2008
wow, thank you.

it is a snapshot, in so much as it is a snapshot of how i was feeling at the time, all rage and melancholy. the bigger picture is life, this is only a fragment of a day, one thought of many many.

:heart:
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:iconfictionalsoul:
FictionalSoul Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2008  Student General Artist
i love the flow of the thoughts, the multiple reusage of phrases like
"the wall is the floor
my head is an ocean is a
lens cap is a migratory
formation"

etc.
elegant and inspiring =)
Reply
:iconsaturnineguise:
saturnineguise Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2008
wow, thank you so much darling (:

this was just a flow on thought, typed up as was written in my notebook.
Reply
:iconfictionalsoul:
FictionalSoul Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2008  Student General Artist
:aww: you're very welcome.

i think sometimes the best sorts of writing flow straight from head-to-page =)
Reply
:icondarlingdante:
DarlingDante Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2008
As always, I'm impressed.

The flow in this one seems stronger than in some of your others, which I find very interesting. As the previous poster said, the breaks really come at just the right time, and without punctuation too.

In most people, I'd be critical of the lack of convention, but with you, I'd be upset if it changed.

Keep it up.
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:iconsaturnineguise:
saturnineguise Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2008
You know, I find it strange, you're not the first to say something like this to me: In most people, I'd be critical of the lack of convention, but with you, I'd be upset if it changed.

But when I say strange I mean lovely, because both are interchangeable to me.

All in all, thank you, I quite love your comment. (:
Reply
:icondarlingdante:
DarlingDante Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2008
It's well deserved. You're quite the exception to the rule here I believe.

In some ways, your writings remind me of Sylvia Plath... well of course without the suicidal motif ;), which would be a bummer anyway.
Reply
:iconaritical:
aritical Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2008
My god.
Your writing is SO absolutely amazing.
I might have to feature you.

And this piece is marvelous.
It's how the words flow and the break comes at the perfect time to just take your breath away.

+fav.
Reply
:iconsaturnineguise:
saturnineguise Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2008
Wow, thank you so much, your comment totally made my day. :heart:
Reply
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